Dating can be a complex and tricky endeavor. Relationships require work, compromise, communication, empathy, and understanding. While the beginnings of a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder might take you to the greatest euphoric heights imaginable, it can also take you to the lowest lows. Knowing what to look for can help you to better maintain a relationship with someone with BPD. Those phases are anecdotal in nature, but give a picture of what going through a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder might be like. Before it gets that far, however, here are some things you can look out for to see if your partner has BPD and if they need help:.
Most BPD relationships go through a honeymoon period. This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner too. Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that her new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect idealized soul mate can come crashing down.
Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinkingor seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well. The key to maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is to find ways to cope with these cycles and to encourage your BPD partner to get professional help to reduce these cycles. Sometimes partners in BPD relationships are helped by couples therapy. In addition to couples therapy, for the person with BPD, there are therapies that have been shown to be effective in terms of helping with relationships:.
Dating after bpd relationship
Many issues may arise when a BPD relationship is ending. Because people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, a breakup can leave them feeling absolutely desperate and devastated. Even if a relationship is unhealthy, a person with BPD can often have trouble letting the relationship go. This is particularly true of long-term partnerships or marriages. This is why it's a good idea to have a support network for you and partner, especially if a break-up may occur, and this network often includes a mental health professional.
On a positive and final note, please remember that the prognosis for BPD is good. This means that while most people with BPD do experience residual symptoms even after time and treatment, in the long term there is often hope that your relationship with your loved one can work. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Psychological therapies for people with borderline personality disorder. Cochrane Database Syst Rev.
Childhood sexual abuse in adult patients with borderline personality disorder. Ind Psychiatry J. J Pers Disord. Pregnancies, abortions, and births among women with and without borderline personality disorder. Womens Health Issues. Sexual behavior in borderline personality: a review. Innov Clin Neurosci. Borderline personality disorder. National Institute of Mental Health. Yeomans F, Levy K. Elsevier Health Sciences. Olabi B, Hall J.
4 Ways to Move on From Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline personality disorder: current drug treatments and future prospects. Ther Adv Chronic Dis. Borderline personality disorder symptoms and newlyweds' observed communication, partner characteristics, and longitudinal marital outcomes.
J Abnorm Psychol.
More in BPD. Entering a Relationship. Making a Relationship Last. Managing a Relationship. Breaking Up. They push because they want to test your love for them.
She will not go for help and I know she is doomed to repeat the same pattern which means I also know we are better off not being in a relationship. They say if you love someone you have to let them go, I now know just how that feels - absolutely awful. I had been with my bpd bf for over 10 years and I recently went no contact. I stuck by his side and was even homeless for a full year to help him not be homeless alone and rebuild from the depths together.
In the end I tried suicide to cope with the pain as I felt so emersed in the daily struggle of his chaos and normalizing his emotions for him since he was unable to that I totally lost myself. We can grasp but will most likely never get help.
Recovering your life after a BPD relationship can be an extremely difficult time. But I don't want to focus on the negative here. After all, I like to be jolly and keep things upbeat. Upbeat, I tell ya! So let me bring some positive vibes in this time of healing for you. I've been writing about BPD for several years now.
Remember you chose this relationship for a reason. Fix yourself and stop being distracted by your body partner. They hate what they need so bad. Well, actually I think it was rather her, who after all these tumultuous years, finally blocked me after attempts of getting me back. She comes from a broken family, had a horrible childhood, and has basically broken up like that with everyone she has ever been with.
I have not heard a single word from her during the past 6 months - not even for my birthday. And now to the sad part: I see myself as an accomplished woman. People who know me professionally would never assume that I would let myself be treated that way. She broke up several times, but came back, she accused me of cheating I never did, but she actually di and she manipulated me for years into believing that I am worth nothing.
Now, that I had a bit of time to also reflect my own co-dependency and reasons for staying in the relationship, despite the abuse, I can definitely admit that despite my professional success, I have always felt a sort of emptiness in my life. However, now that she is gone and I believe after 6 months I should be able to move onI find myself still obsessing about her. I feel incredibly empty and check her FB to confront myself with the pictures of the girls she is now posting I know I should not.
My problem is that actually what is happening now is kind of what she manipulated me with for the past 3 years: She would always tell me how great she is, that other people are immediately attracted to her, and that she has other options than me.
That is what she threatened me with, why I desperately tried to hold her, and what ultimately became true. My worst problem right now is that I think I am falling into a depression. She seems to move on within days without even looking back, and I am sitting here, struggling, feeling like a piece of shit that is worth nothing.
I somehow cannot seem to get myself out of this black hole. Does my situation sound familiar to anyone? I would really like to talk to people who are going through the same situation.
I was with my BPD for 23 years. Her switch flipped this summer. I was painted black. I tried everything. We went on multiple weekend trips, spent a fortune just to be abused. She attempted overdosing in a NYC hotel. Took a lot of talking to keep her from being commited in the city. The hotel manager wanted to call the cops and ambulance. I talked him out of it. In hind site I should of let them haul her away.
This is after one of the most fun nights we ever had. She picked the day I drove my Mom back from the cancer hospital for that one. Maximum impact. Shortly after the suicide I discovered she was cheating on me with a co worker. Real loser. But one of her friends must have said he was hot so she had to have him. Typical BPD.
He was her new knight in shining armor and I was painted black. Dove right into self destroying behavior. Felt responsible for the breakup. Then I learned about BPD. Started seeing a therapist which helps a lot and went full No Contact. Absolutely the best thing I ever did. Going to the gym and feeling good about myself finally.
So I know there is hope. The whole relationship with incredible mood swings, pure rage, constantly being accused of cheating. Anyone thinking about leaving oneRUN. There is no fixing one and life is too short to invest one more minute with one. Especially once they have painted you black. These people destroy you for sport. Mine truly hates me. All the initial love and adoration turned to pure hate.
She said one time when I was laying my head on her lap that she had an uncontrollable urge to stab me in the eye. Big fun. Anyone reading this that is still with one. Go NC. And start recovering. I stumbled upon all of these BPD websites looking for comfort and answers. I would consider him a waif BPD. He suffered a stroke years ago, and although fully recovered, still uses it for sympathy.
He definitely reeled me in with overwhelming attention and I was so impressed by his story of survival and ability to compensate post stroke. Of course I was the first woman he ever trusted and felt intimacy with, boy I felt special And then the madness ensued.
Everything we did was always on his terms. He blows hot one minute, and ice cold the next. Real or perceived health issues always took precedence, so I was leary to complain about mood swings or outbursts. He always apologized, wanted me to stay with him on this journey to his self improvement. Always blamed the new med he was on.
Although he has no real friends and is estranged at best from his family, he still chose to walk away from me. Out of nowhere. He still will text, even though I do not go out of my way to contact him. I do answer, but I keep it on point and brief.
I am wracked with guilt that he truly has no one. I tell him that I am praying for him. Most are on meds that blunt their feelings and alter their personalities to a point of being zombies. I now see that my ex uses his past medical issues to get attention, and he tries desperately to overcompensate for what he feels he lacks.
In a way, it seems that he feels a strange comfort in isolation, or not being in a position to fail. He has admitted to this. To me it feels helpless, like he is drowning, wants rescued, but then throws himself back in. I have encouraged therapy, but he has trust issues. I no longer hold out hope for a healthy relationship. I have left myself open to him for support. Each situation I read about is unique, yet we all are left with the similar feelings of absolute emotional exhaustion.
Support of each other is huge. Thank you to everyone who shares their experiences in these difficult relationships. I am in a very similar boat. I am having a hard time with the girl that broke up with me July 25th of last year and has had 0 communication with me since that day. I think she has Paranoid Personality Disorder as well too.
We had a beautiful relationship, as we had no contact for like 2.
How to heal after a Breakup with someone suffering with BPD
I email her to find out she just got out of an abusive relationship from being raped and what not, and left to be homeless from her mom when she went to her for help. We started out as great friends, then it just led to a relationship and she moved in with me. She suffers from terrible untreated seizures - those really bad ones. I got her great healthcare and really wanted to be prince charming. A year goes by and she starts to really change. We have our first fight over something stupid, I let her throw her fit and what not until she directly attacks my person which causes me to argue back I yell really loud but then I walk away to cool off.
We make up few weeks go by she goes on another crazy fit. We argue again I throw a water bottle at my TV only after she attacks me personally again never over what shes mad about but just really degrading me. She is also a bad alcoholic and former meth addict btw. A month goes by and her personality is nothing even close to what it was when we were friends and decided to become more. At this point my closest friends and family have really noticed how more caring and dedicated I have become to her, she is now also back in contact with her mom whom threw her out and made her homeless.
I have convinced her to try and start a relationship back up with her mom over the course of the first part of Her mom is very religious and judgemental to those who are not. We go to bed she wants me to tickle her back, which I do but then I try to make it up to her for the fighting and get a little more.
She is like naw I dont feel like it but I can still pleasure you another way. Get some of your things and maybe go stay with a friend for a few days because we seem to just fight and maybe we can figure something out after a few days. Seems like it was the easiest thing in the world for her to do. It has costed me 2 jobs and put me into a massive depression.
She was the first women I ever thought about being the 1, the first women I was ok changing and compromising my way of life for because I loved her that much to do so. It has really ruined my life these past months since this all happened.
I read all your comments and it makes me feel sad that all the traits that you said speak so much about me and as if it were all my ex boyfriends combined who I was dumped with, 3 men already who were talking to me.
I need 6 mos more to complete. Yes, it might be too normal for you guys: all the rage, all the anger and sudden burst of extreme emotions but we have so much empathy. We are capable of loving. But our minds are just too preoccupied between who to listen: emotions or logic. Emotions always lead to guilt. But underlying that emotion?
Is so many many issues deep down like fear of abandonment. We love you the companion so much that we fear of losing you. Because like me, I have an impulsivity on spending. I had my ex who financed me literally. Im usually paranoid about men because i fear on losing them. In the end, we are capable of loving.
We have so much empathy. But the reason it started off as good was because we would do everything to make it work we are charming, we are a person full of masks at first in starting a relationship but we tend to lose it in the end as we invest more emotions.
At the end of the day, we just need you to not leave us by our side. LegitDramaQueen: good for you that you got diagnosed and are trying to change something. I think most BPDs fail to stay in therapy. I think the first six months after the breakup, I was still secretly looking at pictures my ex posted.
I had also financed her and helped her get some money and I saw her with all of this new clothes and basically 2 weeks after she left me I think it also confused me that she left me in the end, because I think its more common that BPDs are leftshe must have started sleeping with this other girl. Actually she is not particularly pretty which makes me feel better haha but she is constantly posting pictures of my ex and writes comments about how hot she is.
And I think my ex needed that constant attention and validation. Actually, I always had the feeling that she is always willing to sleep with whoever gives her the most validation in a radius of 20 miles. We had done long distance at one point and several members of my family passed away in a short period of time. Instead of being there for me, that was when she cheated on me for the first time.
Thanks for that! I am quite sure now that it was not the only time because towards the end she insisted on going to parties alone, etc. And I think these two things actually broke me the most: a the cheating and b the exhaustion from trying again and again even after the cheating, even after being accused of cheating, which I never did, even after being yelled at and still investing money.
I realized that I was really numb for the first six months after the relationship. I was so deeply exhausted. I needed to save myself. Partners often have post-traumatic stress disorders from the trauma and exhaustion. And I have to say this has helped me a lot. It has allowed me to see that there will never be a way back.
I tell myself that this girl who is commenting how hot she is will soon feel the effects of her fear of abandonment, her intense jealousy, and her distorted world view. Blocking her entirely has helped me to look forward and to focus on my own life and not to compare my life to what she portrays hers to be on social media which I think is always a problem with us co-dependent partners - the own emptiness.
Just ended it after three years My ex is so destoryed She just sleeps with everyone lies cheats drugs abuse. We have been very intimate in only a short week which is probably my fault. She just opened up to me that she has BPD and I am very scared.
Deep down I think that I should run, but she pleases me sexually. She seems to be exactly like me but after reading a bunch of traits of BPD she might just be mimicking me. She says that all her exes were assholes but im starting to think that they realized that she was crazy.
Shes infatuated with me and i really like her and havent seen anything bad about her yet but im afraid of whats to cone. I have been in turmoil the last few weeks and have come to the devastating conclusion that I must break with my suspected BPD partner. I have completely lost all self-respect and sense of self, feeling lost and trapped at the same time.
I believe I now reflect his own behaviour as I find myself on the edge of psychosis. It is heartbreaking to think that he has little chance of living a happy life - I believe he may also have anosygnosia and therefore treatment you have to acknowledge something is wrong first is unlikely.
Interesting to hear from diagnosed BPDs on here. I can see exactly why people feel used.
Tell me, if you loved someone, would you do that to them? I would never. All of the above has been intentional from him, conscious or not. He knows that if he acts up, he gets attention, as a toddler does. My bad for accepting it all. Not anymore. I would never be the drowning man holding someone down, and to expect someone to go through all of this abuse because you need them is fudamentally wrong, even if you have a mind-warping BPD.
I understand. I do not condone it. Will, three months of no contact means no contact for three months, period. My close girlfriend just broke up w her BPD boyfriend of a year.
Do I have to worry about her safety? Is this behavior something that will subside? Is this something she should seek a restraining order for? Is she in danger of retaliation for breaking up w him?
Dear Lucy above. Thank you so much for that comment. BPD is an incredible illness to suffer through. There is a very real reason for our suicide rates being so high. And a lot of these comments are very triggering. It scares me to think of how many forums like this ultimately caused some of those suicides. As much as I sympathize for those who have been hurt, their comments are very dangerous. I am glad that people like you take a moment to intervene.
Your comment could very well be the one that stops someone on the brink.
Jan 03, A relationship with a borderline is a relationship that will illuminate many things of which you need to work, it will shake you to your core and make you go within instead of running from Author: Ashley Berges. Sep 16, 12 things you should know before dating someone with borderline personality disorder. cents on dating someone with BPD. thing about being in a relationship with a person with BPD, it's Actors: Helen Hunt, Jonah Hauer-King, Julia Brown. Apr 17, I was/am in the same situation. They will want to comeback, but are not able to change themselves (or they would have done so!). There is no solving their problem for you. They need long and intensive therapy to change. Just remember, that who she.
So again, thank you for dropping your thoughts. Your offering of empathy and support could very well save a life. I wish you all the best. Space when he wanted space, encouraging words, comfort, I even sent food to his house after he said there was nothing in. The second I need time or support or even a hug I get nothing from him. I worry about him but he does seem to always land on his feet.
He made no real effort to fight for me or us and just said he knew he was rotten to the core and I deserve better. My heart is pretty much broken now. I do however understand feelings and emotions, depression, anxiety and emptyness.
The empathy I have for him and you knows no bounds. It kills me to see him in such pain knowing there is nothing I can say or do that helps. Knowing there is a lot he can say or do to help my pain yet he chooses not to hurts.
I wish you well. I was in a 12 month relationship with my now ex, who I later realised suffered from BPD. She sounded so convincing and I was drawn in. I felt sorry for her as she was such a nice person, loving, caring and loved life. Everyone saw her as this great person.
We began dating and within a few months there were signs of jelousy. I treated her better than a princess, cards, gifts, flowers, meals, wrote her poems, sung romantic songs and many many other things. She told me she loved me and that I was the best think that ever happened to her. And that we would be together forever.
I was in tears hearing this for the 5th time in 12 months. Buf was sucked in by her charm and behaviour. But no one ever asked as she appears so charming and credible.
I tried and tried and tried and suffered so much pain, anger, verbal abuse constantly, it took its toll on me, and made me a completely different person. She ended the relationship 2 months ago but floats back into my life causes issues then floats out again. She lost her job last month after doing the job 7 years she committed career suicide in that she verbally and agressivly attacked her manager. I loved her so much and it took me a while to get over it, but i got over it. It hurst so so badly.
I love her and miss her but had to let her go as the impact on me was terrible. And made me into a broken person. But this experience is like no other and will destroy you. I miss her so much and would love nothing more than to hold her close and look after her forever. And because I stayed to support her, after all the abuse she gave and the way she treated me.
And she would have felt better as her abandonment issues came true. I hugged her and held her close and she just cried and cried and cried. I was completely heartbroken and am only just getting over it. In the past She tried to make out that I was the bad guy but people can now see through her and have disengaged with her. My Bpd girlfriend has just dumped me again for about the th time in 5yrs. How can I possibly make her happy or show her how much I love her.
When she has spent the last 4yrs leaving me without shedding a tear as if I mean less than nothing to her. When less than a week ago she was telling me she loved me to only leave me 5 days later how can you possibly treat someone with love and affection and make her feel secure when she makes me feel like that.
When all I need is the tiniest bit of reassurance that she does actually love and care about me. I hate myself for still loving her and wanting her to stay with me when I know full well she will just distance herself from me and hurt me more and more. Unfortunately I have to see this girl twice a day : what a mess. My first reaction upon meeting him was that he was on the Autism Spectrum - so many different quirks!
His family circumstances left him homeless and living on the streets at 17 years old and, even though they were no longer dating, my girl asked me to help him.
Apr 19, Paddy is in love. Nine months into their relationship, he and his girlfriend have moved past the early days of butterflies and uncertainty and have begun developing a true bond, the kind that begins to take hold when you become familiar with each other, learn each other's rhythms, and begin to truly see each other. "There have been times where I have been so infatuated and so blissfully Author: Elisabet Kvarnstrom. These are just some of the warning signs that you might be dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you feel your partner has BPD, encourage them to get BPD treatment. Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder varies for each person, but with the right amount of care, work, dedication, and love, your relationship can even. Mar 18, You may be thinking what links 'The Butterfly Effect', and life after a 'Borderline' relationship. This is something that I have spent the last few months thinking about, since the demise of my own 'Borderline' relationship, hence the protracted time since my last post. So what is 'The Butterfly Effect'? Simplistically, in chaos theory, the.
He is a wonderful kid. He is also an infuriating, maddening conundrum. He has hurt and confused so many people in his short life but he is also hurting inside in ways I cannot even begin to imagine.
The key to understanding is education. Both for him and the people who care about him. Believe me that; however much shit BPD sufferers put us through it is nothing compared to the disgust, self loathing and remorse they live with every day.
The desire to die - to to not want to actually kill themselves but, paradoxically, not want to live either is something that is almost impossible to understand. Many people have been scarred by their interactions with someone with BPD, my own daughter included, but as a family we have found that, by educating ourselves and encouraging treatment for the sufferer, it is possible to forgive, empathise and understand without hate or blame.
My BDP boy is now one of the most important figures in our lives. I just got out of a relationship with an undiagnosed BPD about 2 weeks ago, after being together for 1. She is already started the cycle over and attached herself onto a new person. At first I was hurt. My thought was wow, that was quick. And I began to have the flood of insecurity that I was not enough for her.
I took a few minutes, called my mom and put things back into perspective. I have to look at her moving on fast as a symptom of the disease. So I shifted my thinking to say, would I really want to be with someone who is going to do that.
Say I love you a week before and want kids and get married, and then the next be broken up, and the next be on to the next. That is not the kind of person that I want to be with, because you are constantly in a state of untrust. And I, nor anyone deserves that. I still love my ex very much, and the wound is very fresh, and a bit of salt has been put in it, however it is very freeing in a way. It allows me to really let go, and know that this is a cycle that will continue, and where she left off with me, she will pick up with someone else, and so on.
You are only violating your boundaries for yourself, and setting yourself up for failure. I just wanna say thank you for your stories in regard to those who are bpd diagnosed and those who are or who have dealt with those who have bpd.
This has tremendously helped me understand and cope with closure in a way. When we first started dating everything felt to good to be true. Like it was a fairytale.
She told me I was everything she could ever imagine. Let me not leave this out - she actually had a gf at the time she met me but encouraged me that it was ending and she mentally checked out of the relationship at one point.
How to Know if Your Partner Has BPD
Then apologized after I found out. This woman was a sweetheart no doubt but she had ghost like behavior and would then justify it because of her bpd and issues in life.
The main idea is that she lied to me and told me I was her everything and she would never hurt me again. I look at this as a lesson learned although it sucks because I saw myself long term with this person and despite her issues, she treated me better than any other woman has. Better now than never. He is not diagnosed yet as he refuses to admit he has a lot of anger issues and he seems to be starting to be controlling and just all the traits of a normal person with borderline personality disorder I should know I have it.
Like I said I do dearly love him the feelings I have for him are real but I feel suffocated. When anyone mentions the fact that he seems controlling he goes into a rage sometimes sometimes he just gets upset and he denies all of it. I broke up mutual decision with someone who had many of the traits of BPD. I was fine with it for a few months, then when I realized there had been no contact she had children I had grown close toit set in that five years of my life were a toxic illusion.
But the experience has left me shell shocked and empty - and it has been six months with only a couple of emails back and forth breaking the no-contact. The BPD responded to both as if we had dated 10 years ago and that her life was great her entire family situation and life was a royal mess just months earlier, mind you. Not sure what was holding me back every time my brain told me to sprint, not just run.
Seems like he was smart enough to get out after years of misery, even though he was losing his kids. Four years later, she was still taking her husband to court and stalking him. Seems like she never got over him and I was a rebound - typical of BPD people. Had few friends despite living near where she grew up.