You know those girls who refuse to date anyone younger than they are, much less anyone their own age? I am one of those people. Throughout my entire love life - or whatever you want to call what has been 23 years of going through men, some for longer than others - I have never so much as lusted after any guy who is younger than I am. And I obviously have the matching theory as to why to go along with it naturally, it involves being the younger sister. For me, and many other women like me , it all begins with a number. Seriously, though, it does. As much of our generation is delaying activities like marriage and procreating, we are, in effect, also prolonging its adolescence.
I would be a little weird if she was 50, or if he was ugly, fat and bald But otherwise, no, they're just having fun. I so totally disagree that at 18 you would have nothing in common with a year-old When I was 18, my best friend was my mom's age; we had a lot in common, and had fun together. I also dated older guys, in their 30s, because I simply couldn't bear the immaturity of the guys my age. As I grew older, I continued to date guys in their 30s, until at 30 I met my husband who was I "grew into" my preferred age group.
So what if my past relationships didn't last? How long a relationship lasts is not the only measure of how good it is. When you read a book, are you concerned with the number of pages it has, or with how much you enjoy reading it? Some books that are very good can also be very short, you know. I'm a 35 year old who is seeing an 18 year old I never knew i would be in this position and well the girl grew on me and yeah we get along fantastic.
Some people have more experience than others I have a relationship with someone who is Of course, this is because I prefer a mature person who knows where they want their life to go and I choose not to deal with the high school drama and what not. Other people might just be confused of what they want and they haven't had the chance to experience what's out there because they might be afraid of getting hurt.
No it is not wrong. At all. I dated a 38 year old man when I was 16 years old and it was one of the best happiest relationships Ive had. It lasted about a year and a half and we were faithful and honest with each other the whole time. If he is not married and he is good to you then go for it. I just kept flirting and flirting and asking him to hang out. Finally he said yes and i just jumped on him.
He was scared at first because my age but I proved to him that it was worth it and that i really liked him.
34 dating 18 year old
In the end he got more serious than I wanted it to be and we had to end it but I still love him. Do it girl. No, it's not. He would probably like it but it would not end well. He would eventually break your heart, and then you'd be on here asking how to get over him.
He would only use you. Trust me. I am a year old guy so I know what I'm talking about. And then eventually you just hide her posts, and oh my God, it's like night and day, the annoyance totally evaporates, and you can't believe you put up with it for so long?
In my experience, that's what this type of relationship is like. The drama is both annoying and sort of addictive, but as soon as you walk away, you're like - OH. Oh, wow. I didn't actually like that very much. I don't know if the age difference is necessarily a problem, but does this relationship really feel fun and supportive to you?
Or do you spend a lot of time with an anxious knot in your gut, wondering if he's going to call, or what he'll say when you see him, if he'll smile when you walk in or frown dramatically and then tell you you definitely have to break up this time, etc?
Like many people, I had a few mildly dramatic relationships when I was your age. Why did I put up with that? Why did I engage with those people?
I wasn't even having a very good time! They weren't fun, I wasn't learning anything very useful about how adults behave in relationships, and they were so full of mild drama and I felt anxious all the time. The only thing they had going for them was that the very drama they generated was mildly exciting and made me think "I guess this is what the beginning of a relationship is like! Maybe this is how you know this is going to be an important one!
That's how you know that the relationship will be ridiculous and full of drama. I mean, look, you're young and you're figuring things out. Will it ruin your life if you remain involved with this guy? Probably not use birth controlbut on the other hand You are a young, happening lady, and there are definitely other fellows out there who would love to date you without weird flip-flopping drama about everything. I personally think those guys are the ones you want. Just because dating without a knot of tension in your stomach is more fun!
BlahLaLa is 13 years older than I am, and we met when I was We've been together for more than 20 years, so yeah, I don't think the age difference alone is a deal breaker. But the difference between our relationship and yours is that ours was drama-free and fairly healthy right from the get-go.
Yours isn't. Drop it and move along. He's not the right guy for you, and the age difference is just a tiny part if why.
I'm 17 & I'm Dating a 30 Year Old!!!! - #WheresMyTea MiniTalk Session
You have multiple people with much more experience telling you he's sleeping with someone else based on your last paragraph.
Let me bold the parts that stand out: After all of his blunt interest in the past, all of a sudden "he doesn't want to be the guy to take my virginity. How could someone who talks about that completely flip flop to " I can't see you anymore because if I do I know I won't let you go"? I am I wish that when I was 20 someone with more experience had shown me the things to look for. I'm showing you now.
Run away from this guy. At best he's a muddled mess and a horrible mismatch for you. It's more likely, though, that he's a liar. I would highly recommend rephrasing this question in your mind as "a 20 year old dating a 34 year old. Too much drama, yet all of it backstage.
Find a guy who isn't so squirrelly about his intentions and his life. It seems pretty fucking far. It is also really not a good sign how much you've focused on what he wants instead of what you want.
From the distance of the internet, that you are at least under the impression that he works 80 hours a week is not actually a good sign, at least from where we sit.
Working 80 hours a week is not something you can really do and date one person, I've done it before and it is really really non-trivial; that is 12 hours a day every day, which minus 8 hours for sleeping and leaves 4 hours total for everything else from shitting to laundry to commuting to eating. It sounds an awful lot like the kind of thing someone who spends a normal amount of time with their girlfriend would say to explain their naturally sporadic amount of time to the girl being groomed on the side.
This guy is taking advantage of the many subtle and non-intuitive things you don't yet know to look for but are freaking the fuck out of the many older women in this thread who have literally been there and are trying to point them out. He is both fully defining the relationship, hell you even phrased your question as if from his perspective, and using that power to craft a really unhealthy one.
You don't need to deal with this bullshit.
Breaking up and getting back together multiple times is something that teenagers or other 20 year olds do, not mature grown men in their 30s.
I don't think the issue here is this man's age, but rather his maturity or rather, lack thereof. He seems to want to control the level of contact you guys have, the amount and type of physical contact, and the length of your relationship.
OP, is that what you want from a boyfriend? Late night conversations makes this worse, not better. He's keeping you from being intimate with anyone else, any one who is not him. Yet, he doesn't believe in relationships that last more than 5 years?
And he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, anyway? Please don't let someone like this have that kind of power over your present or future. Your first statements about him pressuring you for sex were very clear. Also, your statements were very familiar to me, so therefore, much more believable than your backtracking. Please don't make excuses for this guy. It is NOT your fault that he came on so strong and inappropriately, so don't take on his burden by now downplaying what happened.
You're better than that. Please understand that men will be propositioning you in ways that reflect poorly on them not you for many many years to come. No one here is slut-shaming you, so don't you do start doing that to yourself!! Telling you what kind of sex you should engage in? That he has weighed in with his opinion on what type of sexual intimacies you should try, and in what order, despite the fact that he's rejected you as too young, yet he texts and phone calls you like you are his girlfriend That spells "User.
Every second you spend talking to or thinking about this guy puts you further away from appreciating how valuable your time and energy is, and further away from being in the relationship you really want. I have a weird feeling that this guy is an investment banker, or at least that type. In that culture, a pretty 20 year old virgin is a trophy.
I suspect he can't bear to give the trophy up to anyone else, but is aware of how using you would harm you; thus, his conflict. You can do better. Stay away. OP: Your follow-up response has made it abundantly clear to me that 1 you like and admire the man, and 2 you're going to become increasingly uncomfortable with the responses on this thread. So, my practical answer for you is No - he's not robbing the cradle.
Age gaps are not the critical issue alone. Rather, continue seeing him as long as you are fulfilled and enjoying the relationship with him. When that changes, move on. OP, of the things wrong with this relationship, the age difference is not one of them. I do like him but I also do really appreciate all the advice that everyone has given here. I believe there is cause to question the relationship I wouldn't have posted if I didn't.
In the follow up comment, I was just trying to make sure I was portraying it the right way which might not have been the case when I posted late last night posted by avenue at AM on December 8, Ugh this guy is way too immature and gross for a 34 year old guy.
He wants to have sex with you and then put in caveats and pretend he has a deep emotional life.
Mar 19, Whatever works for them, they're both adults. And no, I don't think it's weird for a guy to want to date a pretty year-old, and for a girl to want to date a "hot" year-old. I would be a little weird if she was 50, or if he was ugly, fat and bald But otherwise, no, they're just having fun. P.S. Dec 08, I'm a 34 year old myself, and I tend to date women years younger than myself - in my experience, I'm had the best relationships from that age bracket. Occasionally I may break the unofficial "rule" and go out with somebody 10 years younger (when we really "click") but at the back of my mind, there's always this concern that maybe I'm taking. So for a year-old, the upper age limit would be 34 (17 * 2). With some quick math, the rule provides a minimum and maximum partner age based on .
He's gross and immature and wants to have sex with you and will say whatever it takes. What I'm getting is that he doesn't love or care about you. He isn't even respectful but is trying to seem like it.
So gross. I tend to agree that 20 is quite a different stage of life then a few years later, such as 24, and that in that sense 24 is much "closer" to 34 than 20 is.
It's a different stage of life in terms of maturity and in terms of life experience, and the reason is because there's usually a long process of transitioning, rather than an overnight one, from being a dependent child of parents to being an independent adult who is a mature grown up person, and for many people that transition is still a work in progress when they are 20 but is much more completed when they are I think what this guy is experiencing is a struggle between being attracted to you personality, etc.
And I agree with everyone saying he has a girlfriend. He's regularly having sex with someone who doesn't know he's saying these things to you. When I was in my early 20's I dated a lot of people in their 30's.
I didn't feel that it was inappropriate, or that anyone was "robbing the cradle" or that I was being taken advantage of in any way. In fact, quite the opposite - in most of those situations I felt like a mooch because I had less money than my partner and in general less ability to be the "giver" rather than the "taker". I also felt like I was holding those partners back, that they should be off building a life for themselves, not running around with a 22 year old.
That said, there were some really big drawbacks to the age difference. For one thing, the power differential of always being the needy one in the relationship and never being able to give generously of myself really bummed me out. I also felt like my partners were experiencing pressures about dating someone so young, while if anything I was getting approval from my friends about my choice of awesome partners who, like, had jobs and were good at sex and stuff.
Also, in every case, we were in very different places in our lives. This meant that the relationships were ultimately doomed. In almost all cases, these people broke up with me to date someone closer to their own age. In most cases, a specific person closer to their own age.
Oct 11, 17 years happily married. I am 53, my wife is 36, we have 4 children. So, on its face I do not believe so. However, it really depends on the maturity level of each. Im 26, and im dating a 19 year old. But mainly because women in my age group (such as yourself) are all dating 40 year olds. The women who are at . Just found out my ex that's 32 us dating a 18 year old girl. That's a 14 age gap? What would you think. The girl is graduating this year. I don't understand what a man would want with a 18 year old besides the creepy sex factor?
It really sucks to hear "I met someone else" or "I'm going to start seeing [Katie] exclusively" rather than the general "this isn't working out" breakup script. The constant threat of there being someone else who was more appropriate for my partner to be dating and thus who would always win out in the end kind of messed me up for a while.
Feb 18, No it is not wrong. At all. I dated a 38 year old man when I was 16 years old and it was one of the best happiest relationships Ive had. It lasted about a year and a half and we were faithful and honest with each other the whole time. If he is not married and he is good to you then go for it. I just kept flirting and flirting and asking him to. You no see 25 year old babes shouting "pick me", "pick me", it's an 18 year old babe you wan nack. Re: Is It Right For A 34 Year Old To Date An 18 Year Old Girl. by Nobody: pm On Dec 16, 18 seems decent to me. Jan 07, So, now that I've glorified older men enough (don't worry, young, something lads, your day will come something I'm sure you all .
I'm also a little concerned that you are still in college, while presumably your boyfriend is not. College is really a time to be in the headspace of school, and it's hard to do that if your primary social interactions are with people who are not in school, or worse, people who left school behind 10 years ago.
As a 31 year old, I absolutely would never consider dating a traditionally-aged college student. Not because the year age difference is too much, but because of the college kid thing. I'd consider dating someone who was 21 or 22 but out of school. I would not consider someone the same age who still had a year or more of college. I also somehow missed the whole virginity thing in your question.
Just no. As a virgin, you are basically incompatible with someone in their 30's. You are sexually on different planets. Go date someone who is around your age, who will see the whole "losing my virginity" thing from the same level you do. Hell, a 20 or even 23 year old guy has a decent shot at being a virgin himself, or at least being sexually inexperienced enough that this won't really be a thing.
Someone who is 34 and became sexually active around the typical age range has been having sex for close to half their life now. It's like the difference between community theatre and Broadway. Go find someone your age to experiment with. I also feel like this guy has a girlfriend and doesn't want to "take your virginity" because he doesn't want to be the kind if immoral asshole who cheats on his girlfriend with a 20 year old virgin. Or he doesn't care about morality and doesn't want the drama that is inevitably going to accompany you having sex for the first time.
I think you are asking the wrong questions, frankly - or at least, of the wrong people. This guy is trying to dump you without actually doing the dirty work. Further, he's the only person who can really tell you why that is, but he probably won't, because he seems pretty concerned with not being a "bad guy. But what it sounds like is that there are some real incompatibilities here, only some of which have to do with the age gap. Brief breakups that are common are NOT normal, under any circumstances.
I'm also with those who think that there's someone else in his life. It also occurred to me to ask you what your family and friends think. If, as I'm going to guess, you haven't told them, or many of them, think about why that is the case. One hallmark of a worthwhile relationship is that it isn't secret.
I understand why alot of people may think he has a girlfriend at least not a serious one but here's just some reasons why I think he doesn't: 1 He texted and called me during thanksgiving. Of course, you all could be right and he could very well be fucking someone else. He's telling you what steps you should do what sexual activities in. He's an adult professional dating a college student aspiring to that profession, which is a big power imbalance.
He has all kinds of bullshit rhetoric about how relationships "should" be. He makes decisions about the relationship without your input. You deserve better than this. You really do. And he probably is fucking someone and either it's someone who's not that into him and doesn't mind his head games because she's just looking for a fuckbuddy, or he's running his head games on her, too, and called her after he got off the phone with you on Thanksgiving and laid the same script on her.
And why is he doing this? Because he's manipulative. Because he clearly thinks of himself as some kind of romance guru. Because he gets off on having a young, bright, attractive woman be pining after him. Because he honestly likes you. But the last reason is so posted by Sidhedevil at PM on December 8, [ 4 favorites ].
Avenue, I can't say whether he's seeing someone else, but those aren't convincing reasons. Everybody say hi to my girl avenue! We wish you could be here sweetheart! And 2 is just a promise about the future, and those aren't real things happening now.
They're just words. Again, he may not be seeing anyone else, but these behaviors aren't substantive evidence for that. They can be and have been entirely consistent with seeing someone else, as those of us with relevant life experience can attest. Every time I dated someone in their thirties when I was in my early twenties, they were seeing other people in addition to me. None of them had serious girlfriends they were trying to hide from me, but in each instance I was not the only person in their life.
We were not dating exclusively. If nothing else, there was a lot of competition between me and other women they were potentially also seeing. It just seems completely bizarre to me that this dude in his mid thirties is carrying on an exclusive and serious relationship with a 20 year old college virgin who he has no interest in sleeping with. Frankly, if that's the case, I would be a lot more worried about his overall fitness as a partner. If nothing else, he's playing the field and has eggs in different baskets.
Maybe he doesn't have a Serious Girlfriend of the sort he'd spend holidays with, but you are not the only woman he is involved with. I'm also wondering if you guys don't have different and incompatible views of the nature of your relationship. Like maybe you see this as an exclusive Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship leading towards marriage, and he sees this as a casual open thing where, because he's not having sex with you, he is free to see other people.
I don't see him as "the one" I am not leaning towards marriage. HE is the one who makes it seem like that's what he wants. He's hinted at it multiple times. He has expressed multiple times that we are exclusive bc I asked him if he was seeing someone else. It seems bizarre to me too! I don't want that because at that point I would be looking for a husband.
I'm not at this point in my life. Also thanks for everyone's insight on possible other girlfriend. I don't know if he's trying to backpedal on the relationship, or if he's trying to manipulate you, but the line about what you "should" experience sexually and in what order is not good.
You get to decide what you want to do sexually, and when, and with whom-and if the person you want to do those things with doesn't feel the same, that's totally fine and totally the person's right to express it, but that's different from telling you that your desires and preferences are wrong and instead they should be X.
The level of teaching here's how to do sexcontrolling relationships work best if you take my view of relationshipsand self-doubt-complaining you're so young, you're going to hate me in 5 years he seems to want to do with you is not worth your time. He doesn't have to be a totally awful person for this to be true. He can be nice and fun and smart and still not be worth having a relationship with because the two of you just don't seem compatible, and he doesn't seem like a good relationship prospect for you.
I am about to share with you the root of all relationship wisdom, If something about someone else's behavior feels weird to you, it probably should, and investigating why will lead you to the wisdom behind why it felt like something weird and not something known. This dude's behavior seemed weird to you, and you've gotten a lot of excellent advice to this question from folks who have followed similar threads of weird feelings before.
Really I hope we can convince you to not only carefully and calculatedly DTMFA, because honestly there are a bunch of things Like, if he is trying to push exclusivity on you that is really not ok; you get to decide when you don't want to date other people, not anyone else that seem really weird in really not ok ways, but also to trust your instincts and then think through them.
Women in particular are generally socialized to not trust their instincts, to devalue them, and to consider them irrational. This only serves one purpose, to make women more vulnerable and manipulate-able. You seem to know your answer - you're at different places in your life. You want to date people in a not-heading-right-to-marriage way, maybe be sexual with people you're really close to, but not marry the first person you are with out of the gate. Meanwhile, if what you say is true, he wants a longer, exclusive relationship, but he wants you to wait for that until you're 25 and will meet his requirments.
It's not going to work.
What do you think about a 18 year old [girl] dating a 35 year old [man]?
You're going to be a different person in 5 years, and so is he. Who knows whether you'll be looking for a husband. You are capable of change. In fact, you are guaranteed to change in ways you can't predict yet. And because of that, relationships really can't be put on hold until a more convenient time.
And it's unfair of him to ask you to pay attention to him in the interim, while he's also saying that he can't date you, openly and uncomplicatedly, and meet your needs right now. It's not wrong of you to feel like this isn't what you want. You are totally correct in diagnosing a disconnect betwen your desires and life stages and perhaps a fundamental attitude toward relationships - what they're for, and who is an appropriate partner.
It's really hard to try to force something like this to happen.
You both want different things right now, and you're likely to want different things in the future, so even if you try to be together, it means one or both of you are going to be uncomfortable and unhappy. Why would you want that? It's not going to work out perfectly, as you might wish in fantasies. He's telling you loud and clear that it can't work now. Listen to folks who say that the simplest things is: good relationships don't pose this many complications.
My goodness. He said that? And he's 34? He may have many fine qualities, I'm thinking an abundance of emotional maturity All other factors being equal, would you be putting up with this nonsense he were a 22 year old Starbucks barista? I tend to agree with the others that there are substantial power differentials here in terms of age, experience, success and status. If he is using these advantages to leverage permission to behave like an ass, then yeah, he's an ass. He sounds yukky, first of all.
Everything you've described would turn me off like a switch, all the discussions about the technicalities of exactly what sex he intends to dictate to you, ew. Suddenly flipflopping from hot to cold looks like a convenient seduction technique he can use to keep you on the hook while preventing you from colliding with his other girlfriend or whoever else it is he's working on right now. I think he is what you'd call a "cradle snatcher" probably because he is less mature than the average 20 year old and he is fetishising your Virginity!!!!
Which he doesn't want to Take because he might absentmindedly forget to give it back to you and walk around with it in his pocket and then throw those pants in the washing machine by mistake!!!
Thing is, being 20, there are things best learned by experience that you haven't had time to learn yet, and he knows it, and you know it too.
Therefore, you decided that the best thing was to come here and ask people about it, because you're sane and intelligent, while he is still over there monkeying around with immature head games that just make me want to soak his head in a bucket on your behalf.
Sorry to be so rude about the guy you have the hots for, but I can't really form a positive opinion based on what you've said about him. It's no reflection on you or your taste, I understand that your loins may be afire here, and the mixed messages are holding your attention, but that's what it's for.
Please, please find someone cooler who has no suspicious power dynamics going on therefore probably closer to your age.