All relationships take work - but some require shared calendars and extra sets of car keys. There are actually three types, and each one is characterized by the symptoms a person presents with: inattentive type, hyperactive-impulsive type, and combined type. Since adult ADHD is often undiagnosed or unmanaged - 4. So if you have four or more of the DSM symptoms or notice all of these patterns and issues below in an otherwise healthy relationship, Ramsay says, you may want to consider contacting a psychologist, psychiatrist, or neurologist who can provide an ADHD screening. ADHD manifests differently for different people, and, of course, no two relationships are the same, so not everything here will apply to every relationship where ADHD plays a role. See the end of this article for resources on how to get help or to help your partner get help.
Learn everything you can about it because you are the best person who can help your partner. It just means that this is the help that they need to be more efficient.
There will be more to come and this is a part of dating someone who has this condition. Do your best and remember that this is something that you will have to work on. Take Course. Marriage Advice. Marriage Quizzes. Marriage Course Save My Marriage. Marriage Quotes. Therapy Issues. Find a Therapist. All Rights Reserved. By Sylvia SmithExpert Blogger. In This Article. Save your relationship.
Share this article on. Her advice is to coddle these people and adjust your entire life, persona, hopes and dreams in favor of a husband who acts like a 5th grader in all instances public, private, in bed, in their job.
New to dating a guy with ADHD - Need advice
Being married to someone like this means you will earn the money, pay all the bills, clean the house, grocery shop and cook all the meals, do all yard work, raise any children by yourself, etc.
Talking it out does not help, does not change things. Neither does therapy. You may think that your love is big enough for two. I can only echo J. Well that sounds more like a narcissist to me. Sorry about your situation. Hello Ivy, Your situation especially the jealousy reminds me very much of a relationship of mine.
Your issue may involve Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please please please research it and decide for yourself. My Mom has untreated ADHD I believe and maybe some other mental issues too and it is so hard to try to be in a relationship with her.
Basically living with someone with a permanent disability or disorder not to judge but to put it out there as something that is not just them being mean at times or moody should hopefully gives us a more accurate perspective. They do not change because they cannot change. A friend of mine has a son with ADHD. I like your point about prioritizing your conflicts. Looking in from the outside is completely different than being directly involved in it.
Been there. Done that. This article over simplifies alot. The couples who are really struggling are where one has either untreated or undertreated ADHD, and the other does not. If the spouse with ADHD refuses to get treatment, nothing can be done. I am a member of another ADHD website geared toward couples. I hear you. Untreated is tough.
Treated is no picnic either sometimes. My hubby has been treated for years. It is really challenging at times. Ironically I had a childhood of not being listened to. My hubby trieds to listen. I liked the end of the article reminding me to have compassion about his thinking processes. He is typically not being selfish, just trying to manage his thoughts and listen as best he can. Hey LaurenI was just reading those notes from your personal diary.
Thanks again for sharing. Hi, yes this all really resonates with me. He does his part by working and contributing financially, he even cooks a lot of the time, but everything else regarding the house and our child is down to me.
In any relationship it has to be a two way street. Wow, this is my life except we have 2 boys ages 5 and 6.
My husband says he feels like he is at the end of his rope. Seriously, I try to make it as easy as I can for him by leaving lists of things that our boys need to do on the school nights I work. Such as reading, pick out clothes and school snack for school and jammies and brush teeth before iPad time.
They just want to play on the iPads instead. I am married do a man who struggled with ADHD his whole life and made his family miserable. Now we are married for over 3 years. Overall our relationship is good, we have a very strong connection wich he ruins from time to time with his angry outburst after which he usually shuts down.
He is against medicine and refuses to even talk about it. He says he know his demons and that he already improved a lot. We have a good relationship overall with ourburst a month plus a lot of behaviors from him such as: forgetting about things I tell him, not paying attention when I talk, being on his phone, procrastinating, getting frustrated with the dog, lacking patience with pretty much anything.
It hurts me badly escpeically that I moved here, away from my family to be with him. His family is very supportive of me and his mom sees the same issues.
He is VERY strubborn and hates being told what to do or given advices or any guidance. He is 33, I am I now I am no perfect, I admit it and work on myself. I changed a lot, started reading a lot of self help books, medication, excercising, walking every morning, eating healthy, doing research. Once in a while every months he will do mushrooms, sometimes in a microdose and then he seems like a different guy.
Patient, attentive, involved. Any suggestions? Run away!!! Go back home!!!!! Do NOT have kids with this guy!!!! Your relationship will NEVER get better than it is now without kids, add kids and add stress, money issues, stress, did I say stress? Improve yourself, further your education, follow your interests, you are FREE. He was fun, full of energy, the life of the party.
Anytime anyone rides in a car with this ass, he starts harassing 30 minutes prior to time to leave that we will make him late. He is NOT a good friend, very self centered. Sounds very much like my marriage. I am married to someone with undiagnosed ADHD and my life is hellit is always about him, he has no thoughts about how his actions impact others and how much stress he puts on his family.
I am so tierd of hearing how the non ADHD has to accept them, learn to support them, etc. I agree you need to run. Please try to get out of your marriage for your own personal health. Do not add an innocent child. Please avoid more heartbreak.
I wish I could have. Children added to the mix will make it even more challenging and painful emotionally. Then you begin to lose focus on the marriage and there is no family or structural support. I have no family support either so I feel for you. Guilt is an emotion that is meant for us when we do something wrong. Our societies use guilt to control us in the social norm which prevents us from making good healthy choices. Weigh your options and when guilt or pity rises in your deciding factor push it out.
You still have life left to live. Loosing hope here. Oh my goodness, Maria! We are married to twins! I have no advise for you because, after 3 years of marriage, I am sitting in the same spot as you. I feel for you and you are not alone. Not going to lie, reading all of these comments are really frustrating for me at the moment. My boyfriend just got diagnosed with ADHD a few days ago after clearly struggling with it for 10 years of his life.
My boyfriend and I are both 17 years old. I understand most of you are adults and married and you think you have your spouse completely figured out, but I have yet to see a comment where you guys are understanding of what you partner is going through.
He told me it was okay because he was used to people giving up and not being able to understand the way his brain works. Did I run like how all of you guys are encouraging people to do? No i stayed. I 17 years old i was willing to prepare myself for all the obstacles because i could see the potential in this single most amazing person i had ever met. Believe me I know what it feels like to think that you are the problem. He keeps interrupting me he must not care about what I have to say.
I cause the extra stress in his life. Why does he want to be alone? I understand these thoughts can cause jealousy especially if you see someone else making your partner smile. Some advice? Yes, adhd partners are not meant for everyone. But from personal experience I know I love this person and that they are the only person i want. And i finally believe him. It just takes time and expectance. I really hope this helped someone.
You make it sound so easy. The spouses were swept off their feet in the beginning because their partner was hyper focused on them and they had never experienced anything as wonderful as that. In the beginning they did not know that the partner had ADHD and neither did they because they had never been diagnosed.
Once they married it all fell apart because the shiny new thing that they were in the eyes of their spouse was no longer the case. Without constant stimulation or excitement in their lives things became boring and their partners true nature surfaced. Some women who post about their husbands and the change that happened stated that the change did not happen until after they had children. Even the women who knew their husbands had ADHD said there was a huge change after they had children. I dated a guy for 3 years.
I know that there are things I could have done better in our relationship, and I am willing to work on those because I still want to be with him.
I know deep down that he is a great person, I just got easily frustrated and lost patience and so did he. Then, eventually, you will be open to the man who will chase and want YOU!
I promise! Most are miserable, or struggling. Why live for 20, 30, 40 years with someone who is verbally abusive, has angry outbursts, blames all of their problems on you, and refuses to seek treatment? Fantastic advice, Kelly Thomas! If any ladies are here for advice about a man you want more than he wants you, this is your answer, regardless of the individual details.
No joke, it absolutely applies to all cases of unrequited love! That is something We took some time to work on ourselves. I feel so,Eli,Es that she is pushing me away due to misunderstandings or other things. I thought of saying the same thing impulsively but did not mean it. Give him a month and try again putting criticism and your own self esteem lightly aside when you speak in person.
Ask hi, how he has worked on these areas that were a struggle in the past. ADHD adults are difficult to deal with I am learning from experience putting myself in the non-adhd partners shoes. All I know is I want to be an asset and not a reliability in a relationship. I want a real long term relationship one day and there are many things I need to work on to be more accepted by my partner but it will be better to tackles once she knows what my struggle areas are.
Hi everyone! I just found this wonderful community of people who are trying to deal with ADD. I would love to interview you! Hi Alicea, I have been seeing a great guy since July He is kind and thoughtful and yet selfish and distant the next minute. When I ask him about things or let him know how he can make me feel, he gets defensive and often turns the situation back to me and how I must be feeling. I am the sort of person who wants love in my life, to feel appreciated and to be considered and respected!
My dog, happens to be very intelligent and knows he has a difference in the way he communicates but still resists his affections at times because he is too over powering and when he talks in his chosen voice childlike he looks at me for help! I am prepared to be there for him but onlyif he for one wants that, or is honest with himself and admits that he is not ready for a relationship or indeed he does want to try.
We clash so much but we manage to admit and accept that we do! Any advice? Growing up in a family with members who have it and then my spouse and now my children. Hi Anne. I am in a relationship with a man who has ADHD. My little brother also had it he passed away due to drug addiction.
My boyfriend has melt downs times a month. Watching my brother grow up with it was difficult and he was also abusive. Do you have any advice about the children with adhd part?
How are you handling it? I was diagnosed with ADHD at age Currently separated for the third time. The struggles in my marriage, struggles with jobs, depression, relationship with my kids, losing my position at church and the community, etc At one point redemption was their only to completely fall by having an affair. Therapist I see said, a book can be published about my life story and sell a lot of copies.
I would be interested in doing an interview via email. I am currently living with a person who has adhd. He had a long time history of drug abuse and has only been sober for 3 years. Being hyperactive but at the same time spontaneous. His good qualities outweighed the negative ones.
Three months after exclusively dating, I got pregnant and now we have a 7 month old daughter. We had a lot of fights over the same things related to his condition. He occasionally smoke hash and I noticed a huge difference in his behavior. But our situation is just something that makes me think about not getting married at him at all.
Should I still marry him then? I was quick to dismiss the importance of learning about it because I was with an ADD male for 3 years as my first relationship and also the father of my son! Being with him was like being with any other person, I only had minor set backs with him so I assumed ADHD was no different!
Eventually I became used to things as they were! How I felt inside kept me from nagging, or bitching at him, I just kept everything to myself to avoid pushing him any further away! So I struggle on knowing how to simplify my message and speak more in direct! I have felt like I am walking on eggshells around him to avoid pissing him off!
He acts on impulse! Has temper from hell and a short fuse! I have ADHD and can answer the talking-to-him thing and simplifying the messages - u can talk to him for a long time and he will listen and be able to interact if the communication style is objective and direct.
I can give two examples of you talking about having a bad day at work:. Are you listening to me?
Do you like condos? I have realised that the work:pay ratio in my workplace is skewed. My boss was talking about his new condo - do you see yourself living in a condo? The sound we make when finishing a question will keep the ADHD brain focused on the speaking too, so throw more questions in - can be anything, stranger the better, but to keep the focus even more make them specific rather than vague, e. Hi Alicea. I have known my husband for 25 years. We were married in and divorced 9 years later and are currently reconciled although I can now see the role ADD has played in the downfall and current struggle in our relationship.
Hi Noel, I married the same person twice as well, but he had a drug problem once he was young hence his ADHD has progressed exponentially. He refuses to change. I believe he secretly takes drugs behind my back so how can I help someone who wants to live his life this way. I know what triggers his bipolar episodes and he continues to do things that are not good for his well being and his mental stability.
Any sort of drug or mental health treatment will only work if HE chooses it. He has to want it, he has to acknowledge there even is an issue. Manic can br just as scary as an episode of severe depression, just on the opposite end of thesome become hyper sexual in manic episodes, thwy feel such a compulsion to have sex or even shop. Some even completely self destruct while doing it, paying sex workers and spending their nest egg without their spouse knowing.
Literally ruining their life over the compulsion to have a lot of sex during their manic episode. It can even be a warning a manic episode is coming. Sometimes people will also develop a dramatic, unrealistic sense of self, viewing themselves in a far superior light than what is actually reality. I hope something is useful to you! Just be sure to set healthy boundaries and remember no one can ever cross your personal boundaries without you unless you let them!
I moved in with my boyfriend about a year ago. It has been interesting to say the least lol. He was diagnosed with ADD as a kid and is functional without meds as an adult. Hi guys im really in dire need of some advice. My husband is the one that struggles with ADHD.
Were both 27 and our birthdays are both in June mines the 8th his is the 20th Were both Geminis also not really sure if that has anything to do with our relationship or not. We also have a 7 month old baby boy. We constantly fight over dumb petty crapand sometimes we cant get along.
I believe i may be a little like him. I agree i may not speak to him with a calm voice sometimes but sometimes i just talk loud and he thinks im mad and we start to fight again. We can never just talk it out. He always calls me a psycho cause i get mad and end up forgetting the entire reason we were arguing. Lol What can i personally do to let him know im not always mad and want to argue. How do i show him i really do love him.? How can i stop the bickering and the fights.?
My husband is going to leave me and i would really like to rekindle with my love. Men with ADHD make threats, get mad, make themselves and everyone miserable, fight over stupid things, and turn arguments around to make it seem that the other non-ADHD partner is the one in the wrong.
My advice? You and your baby will be fine. Monitor your baby for signs of ADHD when he enters schools, as it is highly genetic, and make sure he gets the help he needs. You can do this, and you can recover. I would be happy to answer some questions And would love to see the results. Both I and my Husband have ADHD-from research on different cts of our relationship I recently realized that this is likely the cause.
I got diagnosed about 8 months ago and he is just now realizing ADHD is likely his problem as well. He is working on becoming treated for his but his doctor is not as ready to consider ADHD to be the source of his symptoms. She is not as readily open, and has prescribed a different antidepressant and then a subsequent appointment was a stronger dose of antidepressant. So frustrating. Our relationship is typical where I am carrying most of the workload, he is not understanding my stress and feelings and health is being affected by it.
We recently separated do to burn out on my part. We have two children and se is now in crisis mode and ready to listen an advocate for himself and our relationship. I am ADHD and was diagnosed in 4th grade. I was married for 7 years and am convinced that it was my symptoms that ended the marriage. He might have been a little ADD as well. Anyway, I would love to be interviewed. I give anyone who marrys an ADHD person credit. We were both diagnosed as adults.
I would love to have social contact with you IF possible. My boyfriend of 5 years and friend of 20 years just asked me to marry him. I am crazy in love with him and scared to get married because of his ADHD symptoms. He is really open to working on himself and his issues and has incredible self control accept with anger and stress. I need an ear and one with experience to talk to if you feel you can?
Hi Cesca. I have recently been dating a man and we both have fallen desperately in love. We both have add and I feel like the RSD ct is going to ruin us. We both way overreact to little things and end up both feeling awful.
I recognize my own rsd in him but he also has road from severe emotional, sexual and physical abuse in his childhood. Eileen eileenrouvalis gmail. I am an adult woman with ADD. I only got correctly diagnosed when I was I was misdiagnosed for 20 years. I researched endlessly until I realized that it seemed like ADD and went to my doctors, explained, and they agreed. I would not mind being interviewed. My boyfriend has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was a kid. I met him one and a half years ago.
I definitely did not expect to have a relationship with him since I am leaving the country the next year. He was obsessed with me, wanted to see me everyday, almost felt like I was the only thing he sees. He just left two weeks ago to his country and we said goodbye with hope. We are faced with this tough choice that we might have to get married to be together in less than a year. He resigned a couple of months ago due to extreme stress.
Finding jobs has been very difficult and I can see that it spins him around. However, at the same time, he is fully aware that he still have issues that he needs to deal with. I love him very much with all my heart. Having to hear him say all this is just heartbreaking for him as I am so far away from him and I know he is trying his best to cope. He told me that he might not be able to hold a relationship at all: might never be able to get married or have any children after we talked about getting married and having children just a few weeks ago.
This uncertainty is giving me terrible anxiety I was diagnosed with severe anxiety in I also wonder if this is worth it We have been through so much and he is such a loving person But I want a family. If there is anything that I know for sure in my life is that I want a family. Relationship only works if both partners are putting the same commitment and effort in it.
Do not marry him. It will only get worse. He says he has outgrown it. Well, you never outgrow it! Escape while you can. I as the person without ADHD do so much more work to understand and cope with it. It is really unfair. My spouse is so disorganized, and procrastinates, and is so distracted.
I send him material on strategies to control his symptoms better and he ignores it. I am getting to the point where I feel that we should separate for my own sanity.
Of course he believes this is all my fault. I have an autoimmune problem made worse by stress and have barely been able to get out of bed for anything but work the last two days due to the stress of my marriage. Anyone got any advice? Heather, I cried as I read your post. It sucks having ADD. I try but seem to fail back to the same behavior that is driving my husband crazy. Lisa, I am the ADD wife in a 20 year marriage.
I am trying. He is totally against me trying any medication for it. But it makes me sad to see how frustrated he is with me. In am in that exact same dilema and currently resting up due to severe stress and anxiety brought on by my adhd partner of 4 years.
I would be keen to share coping strategies etc. I feel so lost. I do have some advice, after 25 yrs of marriage to somebody totally unreliable. For example, keep him far away from mailing your tax return to the IRS.
You might need to spend household money on babysitters and maid service, and that might be non-negotiable for your sanity. ENJOY the parts of life that can be spontaneous and ujankossencontemporary.comedictable. As a male diagnosed with ADD, my experience seems opposite to yours. I am treated, but even before treatment had no issue in being reliable, holding jobs, supporting family, pursuing creative interests, parenting children, etc If your analogy would have stated that he would always have ADD like it usually rains in Seattle I get it.
If that is the case then maybe my wife has a more severe case of ADHD, yet undiagnosethan I ever did as that is how I feel most of the time. It is important to know that the two of you have different strengths.
I find that people with strong logistic skill that can fire off a list of sequences without mistake often have difficulty creating a better solution to a problem. Creativity and spontaneity are important elements of life. Even some without and ounce of ADD are good at this too. I think you have some great points here, thanks for sharing!
Would you mind if I asked you a few questions? Maybe we could do a quick over the phone interview? That is great advice, especially coming from a person with 25 years of marriage experience! I am doing a bit of research on the topic because my fiance has ADD and I am trying to get a better idea of what I am getting myself into. I am doing a couple of interviews with mental health professionals but I would love to get the perspective of someone who has so much life experience.
Would you mind if I interviewed you? Thank you for your time! After being ready to get divorced about 7 yes into marriage I gave my spouse the option to take some adhd meds or we were done. If you are new to the relationship and you are already feeling frustrated, get out. I have been with my husband for 24 years.
We have nine children ranging from 1 year old twins to 19 year old. I have had moments of leaving often over the past ten years. My husband has had lots of unemployment probably more than half our marriage. He seems consumed with ADD which he was only diagnosed with in the first few years of our marriage.
I understand the symptoms of ADD but does that mean I always have to live with them? Do I always need to be the responsible one? The organised one? I now need to get a job despite homeschooling three of our children and still breastfeeding twins, because we cannot afford to live.
He says I undermine him with the children, rather than seeing his own behaviour pushing them away. I just want some peace and consideration rather than having our whole family life consumed by ADD.
I feel like I can relate to this so much. My boyfriend is 21 and has adhd, he was diagnosed when he was around 3. Heather, your life is literally word for word my life. So much damage has been done. I have lost myself and my life for my partner. I truly believe the best thing is to go our separate ways. Hi Katewe seem to have a lot in common! I also am married to a man who has ADHD as well as bipolar disorder. I am currently off on medical leave due to a mild stroke where I could use a little extra help and understanding.
When I reach out to seek advise. No idea is a good idea unless he came up with it, he struggles keeping jobs, sometimes he becomes violent and condescending and says that he constantly feels disrespected. The sad part is. Thank you all for sharing your stories. We have a long distance relationship which in itself is really tough for two people with no adhd.
We both love each other and are doing our best, but the reality is that we need a third party to help my partner. I really appreciate all your comments and helped me realize a lot. Typical example:. You were there last week. Can you give me directions? Well was it THIS side of the highway, or the other? Well, did you turn off before 14th street or after?
Hello Morena. My advice to you, since this is a boyfriend and not a husband, is to permanently go away from him as fast as you can go. Like the other poster saidRUN. Wait a minute! We non-ADHDers need more from life than a prison with an empty person. Lastly let me say that in the beginning they put their best efforts forwardremembering special dates, letting you talk and pretending to listen, being affectionate, picking out a restaurantthat sort of thing.
All of that is a real struggle for them. My spouse did this for 10 years before I started noticing that something was wrong. He never told me he was ADHD. I had to discover it for myself and when I told him my diagnosis, he laughed and said I was right!
You will, at some point, begin to feel like you need to get out and breathe. If you have children you will begin to notice that you have children and an adult child who will never grow up.
They are totally self-absorbed. My last point for you is to carefully study Donald Trump. He is ADHD and he keeps his family close because they cover for him. He tells lies and swears he never said them even though there are videos of him doing so.
He says horrible things because he is unable to discipline himself. He starts a speech about one issue and after 2 minutes begins to talk about something altogether different usually the only thing he is interested in which is most always that he won the popular vote. He makes stuff up and then believes it to be a fact and becomes delusional. Notice how everyone has to work around him? My life with my spouse is very similar to living with a Donald Trump.
At first you feel sorry for them what kind of character does one have who will leave someone who needs you? Then you vow you can and will FIX them and seek help. Afterall, you always wanted to be a mother, nurse, and teacher and have a permanent 5 year old. It is good that you are asking for advice and you probably are getting the usual advice. How does that make you feel?
If you want to be alone for the rest of your life, be sure and foster your relationship with the ADHD guy. Choose wisely. I am reading more posts. I am not perfect either. He acknowledges that he has ADHD and is willing to be on medication.
Nice he quits the pot, I think he will be out back on the medicine. Remember that a big part of ADD is information access.
May 27, But a few advice that I can share is patience, compassion and communication for the non ADHD. Also if you are one that needs reassurance, set schedules and structure dating someone with ADHD will require a lot of hard work and a possible new outlook on life. If you don't want that then I would suggest moving on. Navigating any romantic relationship - whether it's dating or marriage - can be a tricky endeavor. Add bipolar disorder with its roller-coaster ride of emotions into the mix, and relationships Author: Stephanie Watson. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and depression can go hand-in-hand. Doctors sometimes call them comorbid or coexisting conditions, meaning .
The info is there but needs to be triggered. Remember I have that concert? The things my sister who is also my best friend does to make things run smoothly without treating me like a child:. This arrangement works for both us, because she tends to run late.
When there are important family dates approaching, she finds a way to bring them up in conversation without being patronizing. Do you have any ideas? Offers to help with the stuff she knows I get overwhelmed by, but also asks for my help in the areas where she struggles and I excel. She recognizes me as an adult with strengths and weaknesses just like anyone else. And why do you feel the need to bring Trump into this? My brother has ADHD, and he is nothing like this.
He is forgetful and can be scattered, but he has a wonderful family, he works hard and he is very thoughtful and kind. Sex is better than ever after 30 years. If you are doing all the work, feeling embarrassed, not getting sex, and putting up with bad behavior all these years, then you probably have some issues, too. Why did you never leave?
It took you 10 years to figure out he was a jerk, and then you stayed anyway? What am I missing? Believe me. The 1 thing we do so well to our partners is put up an air of confidence and sureness. Deep down we are ashamed and embarrassed of our shortcomings normal neuros have. This causes us to be very envious and to suppress it, we to our further embarrassment have to fuel our egos some way. My partner had the same frustrations as you and the other kind ladies that have posted.
Yes, we will be bringing our frustrations home from work. Know that when he says sorry. When you know he is, a hug says more than words. Remember to let us make those mistakes, and give us a hand only when we ask for it. Take care of yourself first, that way you indirectly take care of your partner. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and a few months now, he also has ADHD i love him and I know that he loves me too.
He does apologize for not pitching but ends up doing it again even though I see that he tries sometimes and I always tell him that I appreciate his efforts. I get tired of him keeping quiet everytime after an argument.
Sometimes he can be very selfish and puts his emotions first. His a great guy, funny, intelligent, jolly, crazy, kind, loving his sense of humour is out of this world and I love him a lot and I really want our relationship to work I want him to also ride with me and not let me do a lot on my own.
I understand that its not easy having ADHD its tough like he always says but we got to work as a team in order to go further. I cant always be the one trying to reach out even when his on the wrong side. I have decided to not say a word and just see if his going to reach out. Also him not pitching when he said he would then goes AWOL the whold day. How to I tackle this. He can, but it will always be effort.
Every day I question why I stay in this relationship. There is an article by Dr. I find it impossible to reason with my boyfriend because, well, he is incapable of reasoning due to the ADD and perhaps some other neuro-dysfunction. All I can do is be mute when there are problems and move on.
The other is, my boyfriend does not take any meds and refuses to do so. He may have tried one med for one week, or he might have tried one or two with no follow-up or changes for a year, or he might have taken them on an irregular schedule. None of this would surprise me. Can I just say that reading this has helped me. I have ADHD and have recently gotten into my first relationship in 4 years. Hearing about the behaviors of people with ADHD and how they effect their partners terrifies me.
Reading this has helped me become a better partner. I strive very hard to a good boyfriend, I try to take complete responsibility for my actions, and ask for regular feedback from my girlfriend. I am also sober an attend 12 step meetings. My girlfriend is supportive of that we met after I had become sober. I know that my life and my relationships are tremendously better when I put my sobriety and management of MY ADHD before anything else in my life. Patrick, it sounds as if you have a good awareness of your personal challenges.
I think that is key, and should help remove the terror you have! Has the step program helped provide you with greater personal awareness? Also, just wondering, are you on ADHD meds? If I presented my boyfriend with three questions in a row like that, it would be a problem, so I apologize for that.
I take my medication everyday and it is vital for my success. I am on 20mg of extended release Adderall Although I have had problems recently forgetting if I have taken it or not. I always carry a few extra in my bag in case I forget to take it or I stay the night at my girlfriends. I had had therapy and counseling in the past but have not had any since I graduated college 6 years ago.
The 12 steps have helped me with my personal awareness because they have taken me through a process of looking at my past, seeing a pattern of behavior, what part I have played in troubles in my life, allowing me to take responsibility for my actions, then looking at traits and behaviors that I want to have and working towards becoming that person.
I am not sure if your boyfriend has addiction issues, so I can only speak for myself. But when I realized that my ADHD and my alcoholism were connected and they could never managed separately, there was a big improvement. I give up! WHY do women in particular keep trying to fix their partners? Or, at the very least, why do they keep putting up with bad behavior and make excuses?
Dating someone with adhd and depression
Is being in a relationship so important, that the only goal is to have one no matter how poorly the other person is treating you? I truly appreciate the people who post, and are trying to learn more about ADHD.
But when I read that a woman is in a relationship with a man who is basically treating her like crap, and she is bending over backwards to make him happy, I want to scream. Have you ever noticed that no one posts talking about how they finally found the solution to making the man who is being a complete jerk into a kind, loving and thoughtful person?
IF he decided to get therapy or stop abusing drugs, alcohol, etc. Must be fun. However, this sort of thing has been going on from the beginning. That does not mean you can do it on your own, it means you have to take responsibility and get help. I know that a person had to come to terms with it on their own. You have to save yourself. It sucks but you have to protect yourself. I am sorry you have to deal with this. AnneHW you actually right ey we should stop making excuses for them my friends always say that too all that you said makes perfect sense ey.
Thank you for the advice ey. Patrick keep it up ey if you can try so can they nothing is impossible all it takes is effort. I read this whole thread and finally saw someone bringing God into the equation. Prayer and church going has helped me declutter my mind. It takes the chaos away and gives me a constant thing I can focus on.
I was recently diagnosed with adult ADHD August and it explained everything to me about my life up to that point. My wife 24 years is still struggling to understand just how this disability affects me. We are working on communicating better. My doctor told me that it takes me abut 3 times the energy to focus and get something done. Sometimes my brain just gets tired from all the focusing. I spent all last year working 50 hour weeks, then going home physically and mentally exhausted.
I was missing things. Not turning off the stove. Not locking the front door. Not closing cabinets etc. I tried a few different medications and I am now on Adderall, which is working pretty well.
Sep 12, Dating someone with ADHD can bring on certain challenges and misunderstandings, but dating someone with a dynamic personality who thinks and acts differently from you brings its rewards as well. If you're not familiar with the traits associated with someone with ADHD, many people can underestimate the impact it can have on a jankossencontemporary.com: Ashley Papa. 10 Tips for Dating With Depression - Health. Feb 27, Id love any feedback from those with adhd or married to/dating someone with adhd. Let me say this, he is a great guy and when he is in the zone he is loving and very supportive. Id like to try to understand him and work with him and he wants to do better, but hasnt made much effort.
Over Christmas I took 2 weeks off and my brain started to recover. There are good days and very bad days. Some days I am emotionally disconnected with the world, including my wife. Its not personal. Its just the way I am. Even people with ADHD need love. We are people too! Imagine this - I am 70 years old and this wonderful man who is 65 years old waltzes into my life. I have always been very organized so there is no physical manifestation of my ADD. I did that because I thought he should know me better and see that chaos is not just around the corner.
So he is telling me a story and reveals that he is ADHD. I thought not both of us. Appararently he has a beautiful apt in Georgetown which is a disaster - so he is divorced and unmedicated by choice - he told me he has problems with dates - I told him was going to have to stick whicth me because I was the only one who would understand why he is the way he is.
I am a 39 year old woman dating a 29 year old man with ADHD. He is totally frustrating me. We have been together for 6 years. My boyfriend does extremely odd to me dumb things all the time. I have even woke up to my house door unlocked over night several times because he came in the house last. Trips over the kids stuff laying around the house, falls down stairs You name it he has done it. He will leave things places - like go to our corner store and leave items. Like I have to repeat everything to him.
He is extremely delayed. I tell him to go right then he goes left, I tell him to go left then he goes right. He had a car that he could not afford from the inception of the loan and that got repoed. He is obsessed with working out and playing basketball because that is the only thing he is good at and gets compliments from.
He has no children of his own. So to satisfy him wanting a kid I go out and buy a dog He has been totally irresponsible with the dog and even mean to the dog.
The dog actually hated him and he finally had to accept that and rebuild his relationship with the dog. He was only being mean to the dog because the dog would get into his stuff that he would have laying around. He has asked me to marry him several times and I finally told him to stop asking me until he can come with a ring. He has totally ruined his credit by being irresponsible. On the up side he is an extremely sweet guy and totally loves me and my kids.
He to me is equivalent to a Cave Man. He always says sorry and expect that to fix things that he does or breaks. I feel as though he has no regard for the things he does. For the last 3 years I worked on being nicer to him. I do not yell at him. I try my hardest to use tender words. I try to explain things to him. In return he is just extremely frustrated and now yells a lot. He yells at me, the kids, the dog, the tress, the wind, anything you can think of frustrates him.
It sounds like you put a long of energy and love into the relationship and get little in return. That must be exhausting. All of his problems are becoming yours. Thats a difficult situation. His ADHD will never get better until he recognizes how much of a problem it is and takes responsibility. My suggestion, you have to what is best for you and your children. Thats what is most important.
Best of luck. Thank you so much for responding. I really appreciate your response. I know I have to let him go and that will most likely be what happens. Life is too short and I am not getting any younger. You are looking at a very long road indeed. Definitely not. That is why the kid thing is no longer an option with him. I would never want to raise a child to deal with that. Dear nvbrooks: I hear you and I totally understand where you are at.
It sounds as if you needed to let off some steam. First, you are not wrong or crazy. Second, you are not alone. I have also been seeing a therapist for three years not because of my relationship with an ADD man, but to learn more about myself, yet it has helped me greatly to understand things. What I have to say is that it will never change. But he is not going to change. The question you asked was what could you or he do to salvage the relationship?
It now becomes what can YOU do? The only thing you can do is change yourself. Accept what he is like, learn to live with, adjust and accommodate it. And right along with that, start putting yourself first after your children, of course! Every day YOU matter. If the things he does are presenting safety issues, you MUST do something. The well-being of your children and yourself is your first priority. That is an absolute.
What is your point about a ring? What will that change? If he presents a ring, my first question would be: how did you pay for it? I think you should spend more time on yourself and your children alone. Read more about ADD. But start to get to know yourself and ask why you are in this relationship?
Are you afraid to leave it? Of being alone? Is there security in it? Do you feel sorry for him? Is it the sex? If he wants more, he has to make some changes. There will be no marriage and no living together, no shared financial responsibilities. I just sort of zero-out on that stuff, and try to enjoy the good stuff.
Save yourself and your kids. They are what matter most. Its tough to hear but what is it inside of you that is staying with this man? The evidence is clear that he is not right and he is not going to change. Take responsibility, take action, grow, and survive. Or doing nothing, deny the truth, and die. Those are choices. Thank you sooooo much for responding LuLu and Patrick you guys are totally amazing! I will come through this. You both have totally empowered me.
I really needed this. Good your not alone. Your powerful, your a mother of two children.
ADHD in Adulthood: The Signs You Need to Know
Your strong. Seek help when you need it. Find people that have been in similar situations. Stay strong and stay healthy. Not his. Gosh, I have to say, Patrick, that you have written two short but powerful sentences. You are right; it comes down to those two things. That is sad. He absolutely does not even see a problem. He says he tried meds 20 years ago and they made him a zombie. I know that he was not working with an adult ADHD specialist. But he is unable to tell me what he took or for how long.
Given my experience with him, he could have tried something for six weeks, six months or two years. It turns out he was married to her for 7 years!
Jul 23, ADHD cannot be prevented or cured but it can definitely be managed with therapy, medication, and support from their loved ones. Relationship with someone who has ADHD. After seeing signs in your partner and realizing that you're dating someone with ADHD, it can be quite scary at first, especially when you're not ready or familiar with dating a person with ADHD.
Excellent posts above. The less I depend on someone else for my own happiness the less her quirks invade my peace and vice versa and since meeting her, already aware of many of my own failings I knew this would be a big one for me. What do they say how the right people seem to often come into our lives at just the right time for us to learn and grow from if we so choose to? Well my partner with ADHD is pushing me to be more accepting and especially more reliant on self for happiness.
Similar to most of the comments, he was focused and adoring initially but that excitement has waned. Many of things he said he wanted to do, he has not followed up on or spoke of after those initial conversations. And when I bring them up he usually has forgotten what he said and committed to.
Sometimes when we talk, he will jump between different topics and completley forget to ask me about my day or other areas of my life. If you ask him, he thinks our relationship is going great! Almost to the point of saying the L word.
When we discussed the disconnect that I have been feeling he felt completely blindsided and was surprised. The other thing is he feels completely inadequate when it comes to planning dates with me. We spend alot time talking on the phone, texting and hang out at home: cooking, lounging but I want to be dated lol Outside of my apartment when I spoke with him anout this he uses his ADHD excuse and doesnt feel like he can plan something that I will like.
Im starting to feel like these issues are beyond adhd? Let me say this, he is a great guy and when he is in the zone he is loving and very supportive. Id like to try to understand him and work with him and he wants to do better, but hasnt made much effort. Initally it was hyper-focus and he announced he was in love with me for years. I thought he was insane. And kind of ignored him.
But he would call and we talked for hours. About his life and work and family.